In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
