I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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