I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
