What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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