aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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