I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
