last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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