When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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