This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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