What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
