but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
