He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
