No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
