I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
