She is in my trunk
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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