Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
