he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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