woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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