Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
