I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
