I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
