When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
