i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
