Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
