dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
