Ketchup is God's man juice
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
