Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
