good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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