I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
