Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
