every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
