Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
