omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
