On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
