She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
