i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
