I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
