So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
