I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
