Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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