i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
