So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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