woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
