Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
