I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
