got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
