Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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