There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
