Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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