There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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