I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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