I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
