If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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