Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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