Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
