I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
