I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
