You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
