She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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