yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
