The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
