I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
