There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize