Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
