Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She needs sedatives and a leash
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
