Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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