I faked an abortion last night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
