WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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