what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
