I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
