i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
