My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
